Final Ultimatums: Disk Finally Pulled

Team building on tough first season with a crop of new recruits

By Kyle Gervais

OTTAWA: The disk has been pulled and after an offseason of turmoil, the Final Ultimatums have launched into their second season.

As the season opener approached, the team’s corporate leadership was in flux. Former co-president Taylor “Flowing Locks” Bentley resigned his position in order to play on the team with his wife, Laura “My Locks are Even Nicer” Bentley. Additionally, team vice president Jon “JJ” Jeffrey followed through with his long announced retirement.

Fortunately, as his final act before sailing off along the Rideau Canal, Jeffrey filled the appropriate paperwork just before the league’s September deadline. This however set the stage for an unexpected financing crunch. Only after the shareholders elected new team President, Katie “Power Hungry” Durvin, did the banking consortium cobble together a revolving line of credit sufficient to finance the team’s payroll obligations.

On the field, the situation was much the same. The team lost rookie Pierre ‘The Flying Frenchman’ Bourdier to the French national team and Adam ‘Arctic Ranger’ Feather renounced his Canadian citizenship to form an Ultimate league in Tanzania with the hopes of cheating his way into the Olympics.

Jordan “The General” Ray used his political connections with the Harper government to secure a position with NATO in Brussels. Michael ‘Freshman 15’ Kravishik was waived from the team after a lingering groin injury prevented him from passing stringent fitness standards

The biggest shocker of the offseason was the unexpected retirement of Brookelyn “Spunky” Kirkham. Her loss did have a silver lining however, as helped the financially strapped team fit their payroll under the league new salary cap.

Team general manager Kyle “The Diaphragm” Gervais was forced to cobble together a collection of veterans and rush the development of newly drafted rookies.

The team is anchored by aging veteran Scott “Too Tall” Shaw. He was convinced to delay his retirement after publicly toying with the idea all of last year. Last year’s surprise player of the year, Kelsey “T&T” Mackay is returning in better shape and hopes to repeat her heroics.

From the free agent market, only one significant player was convinced north of the boarder. Alexandre “Allez les Bleus” Lafortune played the first game in his trademark blue body leotard.

Otherwise, the team is composed of a hodgepodge of rookies and waiver wire pick-ups. Josh “Kili Kile” Garcia quit the national Filipino basketball team for a chance to play. Tom “My Handwriting Sucks” Orr and Jessica “J-NAZ” Nasrallah, recent first round draft picks, have been pressed into early service.

For the second straight year their opponents were the formidable Low Expectations. Once again sporting pink t-shirts, ‘Team Pepto Bismol’ hoped to improve from last year’s performance.

Arriving to the practice pitch fashionably early the team demonstrated early potential. Tossing the disk in warm-ups, the team was relaxed. Children who arrived early up to watch practice, were dazzled by the catching clinic put on.

The team surprised early on. While Low Expectations took an early lead, the Final Ultimatum used their massive height advantage to keep the game close. Dan “The Cleat” Baker, centering the 75ers, the line of teammates over 6’3’’ repeatedly mocked his shorter coverage. As punishment, and to make a more balanced playing field, the league forced him to wear dress shoes for the second half.

New handler Bryce “OPCW” Dillon quickly formed a rapport with vet Ryan “AoGG” Tolusso. Their combined efforts, and the capable hands of Kelsey Mackay kept the match close.

At halftime, the Final Ultimatums were only a single point back, 6-5. Unfortunately for the sold out crowd, Low Expectations did not live down to their name. They scored three quick points and coasted to a 10-7 victory.

Still, the Final Ultimatums are demonstrably improved over last year’s incarnation. As injured played Chelsea “Kyle I am going to punch you in your face” Sayers and Julie “the Secretary” Dupuis return, the playoffs are easily within reach.

NEXT GAMES: Games every Monday night, starting at either 9pm or 10pm. http://athletics.carleton.ca/leagues/intramurals/schedules-standings/ for more information. Players and fans welcome. All games are held in the FieldHouse. Registration fees are 7$ per game or the season for 20.

THE LINE: The degenerate gamblers at the Lac Lemay Casino have set the betting line at the Ultimatums -230, with an over/under of 18. 

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